How to cure bulimia and lose weight

Not so long ago, I began to overeat, with each day I ate more and more, in abnormal quantities and completely incompatible products, in general, like all bulimics. but I did not induce vomiting, but I drank laxatives and often resorted to enemas. but naturally calories were assimilated and in the end I gained 4 kg! I really want to lose weight, but I can't! I can not force myself to starve and go on a diet. I tried it first - I promised myself, I arranged for fasting days, but this was enough for a maximum of a day, after which (hungry) I started these attacks. I promised myself that I would start to eat reasonably, for breakfast I ate small meals, relatively healthy food, followed diets, but without feeling full, I began to look for something else to eat. then it turned into real zhor - I ate everything, tired of sweet things - switched to salty, etc. I no longer feel hungry (not infrequently it comes to nausea) and still continue to eat! then, when it becomes really bad, the stomach just breaks down - I drink a laxative and go to bed. I do not the weight almost stands still - it is recruited, then reduced (by 1 kg). I read about the effects of bulimia - I was horrified. I want to quickly get out of this state, but willpower is not enough! I no longer believe in myself, I don’t want to apply to specialists, I want to force myself not to eat and overcome the disease before it is too late.